Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Happy Holidays from Not-a-Fortune

Before I left town for the Christmas holiday I scheduled an automatic post advertising DIY printable fortune cookies from kind over matter. I neglected to promote the post on Facebook  or Twitter, so if you missed it go here. The last full post, where I wrote about my evening with Myrtle watching Die Hard and replacing our not-a-fortunes, could have ended with this:
A gift from Myrtle- gumballs with "an enlightening fortune in every box!"

I went home for the holidays and when I arrived at my parents' house, these were waiting for me, saved from a recent visit to San Antonio's Golden Wok:
My father's not-a-fortune (top): "I would rather attempt something great and fail than attempt to do nothing and succeed."
My mother's not-a-fortune: "It doesn't matter, who is without a flaw?"

The next day Colleen, also home for the holidays (though her home is quite a bit colder than mine) sent me this not-a-fortune, which had clearly not been proofread:
"Speak only well or people and you need never whisper."

Erin over at Pardon My Dust had Chinese food on Christmas Day and she blogged about it here. She included her fortune, but in case you're lazy and don't want to follow that link, I'll post it here as well:
"You will soon embark on a business venture."
She told me not to add the usual "in bed" to the end of this one, as that's still illegal in this country, but I reminded her that to my knowledge there are parts of Nevada that might still entertain such businesses...

My parents and I had lunch at our favorite Chinese restaurant the day after Christmas, and while my father and I received actual fortunes, my mother did not:
My father's fortune: "Soon, you will receive pleasant news."
My fortune: "You will be reunited with old friends before the month is out."
My mother's not-a-fortune: You deserve to have a good time after a hard day's work."

Since I gave my parents the gift of more Chinese food for Christmas (a gift card), my mother has another opportunity for a fortune. 
I included two fortune cookies in the takeout container along with the gift card, and they opened them last night. My father's cookie insert said, "Past experience: He who never makes mistakes never did anything that's worthy." My mother's: "Emotions can be sweet and sour, so can your meal."

My mother's not-a-fortune was food-related, as was this not-a-fortune Mr. Fabulous received:
"Enjoyed the meal? Buy one to go too."

Last night at happy hour LT gave me the inserts she and her husband received at lunch:
Her hubby's actual fortune: "You will receive a surprising gift very soon." (in bed?!)
LT's not-a-fortune: "The courage to be great lies deep within each of us." (not even going there)

Finally, as I was writing this post, Not-a-Fortune's favorite expectant couple, Bea Dazzler and her husband Princess Quite-A-Lot, sent me these inserts:
"Magnanimity will bring you universal respect."

"Live in THIS moment," Bea Dazzler's not-a-fortune and a good reminder to appreciate what we have and enjoy ourselves as best we can.

happy holidays!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

These printable fortune cookies are featured on kind over matter, one of the blogs I follow. The directions are included on the site. Click the link above and get to work satisfying your crafting gene (one that I lack).

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Be Careful What You Wish For?

Earlier this week Myrtle invited me over to partake in her Christmas ritual of watching Die Hard and wrapping gifts. I brought Vietnamese food, which came with fortune cookies.

My fortune cookie insert read, "A bargain is not a bargain unless you can use the product." I wonder if the rule applies to a torn not-a-fortune.

Myrtle's insert read, "It is now, and in this world, that we must live."

Hmmm...neither of these qualify as actual fortunes. We were disappointed. I posted a photo of our not-a-fortunes on Facebook and Twitter with the caption, "We want new not-a-fortunes." Yet we settled in for some younger Bruce Willis action movie and present wrapping fun. A couple of hours later, Myrtle showed me a gift she purchased for her niece:
That's right, M.A.S.H., the classic pencil and paper game best friends use to predict their futures! If you've never played it, the gist is that you can predict who you'll marry, what your occupation will be, how many children you will (or will not) have, and other future events. M.A.S.H. (so titled for Mansion Apartment Shack House - your dwelling options) was popular when we were in junior high, but that didn't stop us from playing in college, and we're kicking ourselves for not having come up with this handy notepad, which is surely a bestseller!

Now, if you look closely you'll see a category or two that may not be appropriate for tweens. Upon closer inspection, Myrtle decided against giving her niece a gift that requires her to choose her cause of death and contemplate how many times per week she'll have sex in the future. What did that mean for us? That's right: gift wrapping and Die Hard just got put on the back burner. Cue squeals of glee from yours truly!

As M.A.S.H. is certainly a fortune teller of sorts, I'm sure you want to know what Myrtle and I learned about our lives. I won't tell you everything, but here are the highlights:

Myrtle will live in a mansion in NYC; drive a Jaguar (who drives Jaguars anymore? ooh, maybe it's the animal instead of the vehicle); and, paradoxically, be a richy rich academic (income: "too rich to care whether I get tax breaks"). She will not be married, will never have kids - even step-children - yet will somehow end up with Jon Stewart (the part she was most excited about, I'm sure). Also: she will die of boredom.

I will also live in NYC, but in an apartment (possibly one in Myrtle's mansion, as I will be merely a teacher). I will drive a red convertible, which is a goal of mine, though I question the logistics of this in the city. The most important parts of my M.A.S.H., in my opinion, are that I'm not marrying Ryan Reynolds (or Paul Rudd), my occupation will not be "not camper," I will have a pet jellyfish, and I will die as a result of an injury sustained during sex and involving chocolate syrup (important note: I'm allergic to chocolate).


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Joy, Peace, Friends, and Fortunes

Last night I met Bea Dazzler and UnScurvyGirl for dinner at PF Chang's. Although there was a ginormous chocolate cake involved, I couldn't partake due to a persistent chocolate allergy and was jonesing for the fortune cookies our socially inept server waited until the very last opportunity to deliver. Finally, I received this not-a-fortune:
"Your happy heart brings joy and peace where there is none."

Bea Dazzler's not-a-fortune is more of a direction:
"Place special emphasis on old friendship."
[Note: file under "to do."]

UnScurvyGirl's not-a-fortune seems like a good one for my blog header, no?
"Every person is the architect of his or her own fortune."

Today I woke up to an email from UnScurvyGirl with this not-a-fortune from the website failblog.org, labeled "advice":
"Only listen to fortune cookie, disregard all other fortune telling units."

What if we always placed special emphasis on our cookie inserts, and on nothing else?

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Couple's Not-a-Fortunes

Not-A-Fortune's favorite expectant couple, Bea Dazzler and her husband Princess Quite-A-Lot, sent me these not-a-fortunes:

"Listen carefully. An upcoming important message may be subtle."

Along with her picture text of this cookie insert, Bea Dazzler said, "Sshh! Did you hear it?"

"Your dynamic eyes have attracted a secret admirer."

To which Princess Quite-A-Lot added, "Twinkle, Twinkle. Oh yeah."

I don't know what I enjoyed more- the inserts or their recipients' commentary. Thanks for sharing, friends!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Same Night, Same Place, Different Not-a-Fortunes

My girl Single Blonde and I both had dinner from Austin's Chinatown tonight, though not together (I won't speculate on how her evening progressed, but for my part I'll say it would have been more enjoyable had we been together). Here's my not-a-fortune:
"Use your talents. That's what they are intended for."

And here's hers:

"The time is right to make new friends."

I'd say she's the big winner, as mine is really more of a direction. Hers at least indicates good things to come of new friendships, no?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I'm All A-Twitter

My tweeps (tweeps=twitter+peeps) are usually very good about sharing their cookie inserts with me. I haven't been so good about sharing them with you, my faithful readers. This is my attempt at updating you on some of the fortune cookie inserts my tweeps have received over the past few weeks.

"There is something seeing and there is something being seen."

My favorite Iowan (whose last insert appeared here) deemed this a "Not-a-fortune (+not-a-sensical)," which is right on target. Hopefully receiving the following actual fortune as part of this year's United Way campaign was more encouraging:
"The project you have in mind will soon gain momentum."

Hippiechick's fortune didn't reach her in time, as she wished the fortune cookie gods had gotten to her sooner:
"This is not a day to take risks. Diplomacy rules today."

L received a much more promising fortune:
"Your planning will bring rich rewards."

And finally, Becky shared some like-a-fortunes she and her kids found as they enjoyed some Jones Soda:
"Now is the time to set your sights high and go for it."
"Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life."
"Fear creates danger and courage dispels it."

Why Wasn't It Me?!

My friend LT just texted me that her coworker received this actual fortune at lunch today:

"This is a night for love and affection."

As LT said, "you don't even have to add 'in bed' to the end!"

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, December 6, 2010

Fortune Cookies in the Bath?

For several weeks I had tickets to see Bob Schneider at the One World Theatre, a gorgeous venue in Austin. Not everyone likes Bob Schneider, but I do. I had been looking forward to this night. I asked Single Blonde in the City to be my date. We went to dinner at The Grove, and then were surprised to find ourselves at a Christmas concert with Bob and friends. When the couple next to us asked if we knew the concert was going to feature Christmas music, we realized we weren't the only ones for whom the program insert was the first indication of a holiday theme. Upon leaving the venue, a screaming, raging concertgoer threatening to "go in there and demand a refund" was our second clue.

SBITC saved my night with the gift of relaxation: fortune cookies meant for the bath.

As pictured above, the cookie insert peeks out. What does it say, does it need to dissolve before I'll know?

"Thank you for helping raise money for the American Cancer Society."

What the what?! That's not a fortune at all! That's not even a not-a-fortune! But you're welcome, American Cancer Society; and thank you, SBITC, you're the best!